Messenger Puppet

Door #1

2006

Rock:  Hi mustang.  Let me chip your windshield.
Geico:  A Lizard Caveman cocktail will fix it nicely.  No deductible.
Me:  Yay.

Fastforward to 2010

Rock:  Fuck you xoxBox windshield. Die from a puny chip to the sweet spot.
Geico:  Hah!  no coverage for you, dancer boy.
Me:  huh?  WTF?
Geico:  We don’t know if we cancelled or you did, but we do know you don’t have coverage anymore.
Safelite Repair Dude: $286 cash please.  daddy needs a new pair of hookers and blow.

Door #2

2007

Me:  155?  I like it here.
SWFs:  I wanna rock with you.

Various dramas ensue

2010

Me:  The 34s went from loosies to no this ain’t happening
Scale:  Remember me? Perhaps you remember my friend?
Beer:  And me?
Hot wings: And us?
Beer:  But mostly me?

Karma:  Laughs maniacally.

LA Fitness:  Remember me?  I’ll sing Whitney Houston if it helps.

So there it is.

Malignant ass tumor is no extra charge

Best Thuinderbird Ever

If this car has coil springs, I would have its babies, or it would have mine.

mmmm... chilly photo shoots (Photo chicagotribune.com)

Farrah is dead.  A billion pubescent boys said, “I’d tap that ass” over the years and now she gets ass cancer and dies.  Coincidence?

*

Yes, my dick IS bionic. That is the only reason she is with me. - Col. Steve Austin (Photo: AP via chicagotribune.com)

Life is all about ass – David Lee Roth

• Skeletor bites it. Needed to respect the 30 foot anaconda. (Too soon? She owed me for blasting the PTL when I was trying to sleep after long nights of 7-Elevening)
• Bush, for once, learns from the mistakes of others; wrassles the thirty foot anaconda. Still loses. Like WMDs, the giant stick up there was not found.
• “President” Dick “ass invading anaconda” Cheney fails to invade Iran while George indulges his inner snake charmer, despite temporary transfer of presidential ass-stick.

Sorry. Been busy.

The never ending break up. What is so hard about “stop calling me” and “no, I won’t give you that (or “those“) any more”? Yes, this is me saying that second one. Yes, those is what you think they are. Blind luck is its own reward.Mexico. I went there over the weekend. Stories to tell. Stories NOT to tell…

This guy:

and some bad, 30 foot anaconda-related side effects of the clindamycin prescription. Not helped at all by this swill.Trials. I won, once again. Story to come. Possibly.

According to the New York Times, you are better off letting the snake linger.

Snake: What do you have to say to me?
You: Go fuck yourself, ya bastard.
Snake: Nope. I’m busy like a moonshiner and you’re my Ned Beatty.
You: Uh, baby, please don’t go?
Snake: That’s right. Who’s your daddy?
You: You are, sir.

Link

The 30 foot anaconda story has an unfortunate aftermath. The Vet wants $500. The zoo’s bill is yet to come.

What a f***ing pain in the ass.

*rimshot*

Alice Cooper with the the 30 foot anaconda called to say the snake didn’t die. So, that bitch gets penned up for 5-7 YEARS. Yay for me. I think I will wait 8+ for the next deathmatch with that mofo, to toast the new sock decade of weirdness that will spawn at about the same time.

She asked me to undress and lie on her table. Her hands were all over my back and chest. Her deep penetrating stare held me entranced while she worked her magic. Then, near the end of our time together, she slipped her hand under the towel over my waist and took hold of my junk and said *I’m just going to ….*

Ok, stop. *She* was my new doctor, doing the very nonsexual equivalent of a mammogram on the boys, as part of a physical. Really a non-event. What? You expected pr0n, you sicko? Gewgle says that’s inappropriate.

Anyway, this was the first female doctor to ever get that up close and personal. When I made the appointment last week, I had until my July appointment (hot lady doctors are apparently booked up) to get my head around the concept, which almost seemed like enough time. Do some situps, borrow some Enzyte from OG Fred , maybe hit a tanning booth. Yesterday, they said there was a cancellation for this morning, so it was time to crank the rationalization meter to 11. No big deal now, but 20 years ago I would have blown an aneurysm.

Or something.

To put things in perspective, on the sock relativity scale:

frisky strippers> Mr. Happy and the Boys *exams*> 30 foot anacondas> International Dave day commemorations ca. 1997> American Idol> Nebraska, Notre Dame or Ohio State football.

BTW, no, no *happy finish.*

That was my Tuesday and Wednesday. Don’t ask. Just be glad I’m back