Messenger Puppet

My man card is hereby surrendered

Nothing else to say, really.

I TOLD you not to shake the Andre before you popped it!

I did not cause this, despite ample time in the “wayback” seats. This is why I took a pass on buying a Nissan Cube.

Does it count if it’s a Geo, which is a disguised Toyota Corolla?

no one was killed

Does it count if the sudden acceleration comes from a Nissan Sentra that gets rammed into you by the car behind it?

my poor car

1971 Chevrolet Vega in drag

Eyelids and sheepskins and whitewalls: Oh my [fucking god]

Frank Cannon's on the case

1973 Lincoln Continental Mark IV. Don’t get me started on the whole back window thing…

cocaine and hookers beats amway sales meetings every time

Maybe the 70’s weren’t a complete waste of time after.  Given the choice, I would take the Disco Stu/Larry the Lounge Lizard Monte Carlo over the middle management, I’m late for that widget convention at the airport Super 8 Malibu every single time.  “Progress” can kiss my leopard print covered/Hai Karate scented  ass.

No, it’s not because you could do hookers and blow (simultaneously) on that giant hood.  Well, not ENTIRELY because of that.

Calling this a "Fury" is heresy

Whitewalls and wheel covers say “no, more like city engineer.  From 1988.”  While this is the best Aspen (nee Valiant) ever, that is like saying a Monarch is the best Ford Falcon, or Olympia beer is the best pre-urine ever.

Watch that bumper, dumbass

Porsche 944: what discerning police detectives choose when DUIing their ass into a rear-ender with you.

No, officer, we don’t have to call it in, but the days of free coffee refills are OVER!!

Better than the '81 isn't saying much

Hey everybody, it’s the new Jan Brady! 5-door Ford Escort.  It’s the first new car I ever test drove*, all $5,500 and no AC and no power anything of it.  It took me 5 lights worth of stalling at Winchell and Stadium before I gave up on the whole clutch/gas/ 1st gear business.  But for that bit of karma, I might have been Earnhardt-ed into buying it, which would have kept me from quitting my shitty job @ Burger King.  The horror…

*on a public street.  Certain other conditions apply.