Messenger Puppet

2.2L of badly running crap

Cracker and pops, switching out the Zephyr for a different piece of shit.

Actually, this was a pretty good car, except that it freaked out at highway speeds. Madonna had to come pick me up one sexathon weekend, somewhere north of Ann Arbor, because it just refused to go faster than 55 – as if it had a governor.

[ca. February 1985]

The car so "nice" we bought one twice

Pops had an ‘80, dark green, that succeeded the Monarch.  Orange on the dash and black walls and the smell of undercoating were its redeeming qualities.

Where I saw one: On the intertubes

Nostalgia factor: 3/10 – Ahh, memories – mostly not mine.

Baseline: 0, since I never personally owned one. +1 because mom had one, +1 because that one was a crazy moonwagon, -1 because it didn’t have a radio – stupid Honda made you choose from dealer installed extra cost radios, +1 because I stole borrowed it to visit Madonna, +1 because it led to a sexathon, +1 because we until this year, it was the best sex ever, -1 because it was not actually in this car, +1 because I wasn’t driving it when we went to Jonathan B. pub for drinks, -1 for getting in my way when my bike fell over,-1 for denting like a little bitch, -1 for Cracker inheriting it and beating the shit out of it, +1 because there was this night in 1983 when I went to Jody #2’s place for late Friday Night Videos and almost sex, and a brand new ‘84 was in the driveway next to hers. I was freaked, because they were all like weird looking and shit, compared to Escorts and Colts and shit piles like that, +1 because it could hum along at 80 with no drama, unlike the ‘78 Camaro in Car and Driver (which overheated at that speed) or Ribble’s Subaru (which had a seizure and died).

Wisconsin 0, Michigan 24

1989 Michigan Football Results

Final

(10-2 overall, 8-0 Big Ten)

Pizza & Schooners of Duff Beer at Bilbos – $40
Mom foots the bill, including your bar tab – priceless.
(Actually, just the $40, but she doesn’t drink and doesn’t like to pay for your drinks, you beerhound)

Telling your kids about “Grandpa the gigolo” – Free
Being able to instantly shut them the fuck up [without explicitly saying "STFU"] when they start trying to tell Grandpa about the story you told them before they get to the part that will make him want to kick your ass – priceless.

Also priceless: Knowing that there is no way in hell that he could kick your ass. Continue reading

Really Stupid

1. As Cracker, karate kick the back of the toilet and break off the water inlet tube.(There IS a technical term for this thing. Once you do this, the toilet is out of commission. Plus, flooding – BONUS!!!) The mechanics are really simple:run down the hall at full speed, hoping to make the toilet before the hangover spew is in full tsunami mode. Make that turn bouncing on one foot. Except you are wearing socks. And, it’s a linoleum floor. Between that and the projectile spew that is just now cresting – you are going airborne in a gyroscopic pirouette rotor of doom move,

2. Vernors in a glass bottle looks just like a bottle of MHL. So, flaunt that ice cold bottle of soda in front of every cop you see to see if they will pull you over. (Answer: only if they haven’t met their dork quota).
3. Score some domestic dope. (a real weed, that looks like WEED). Go to a former insane asylum and smoke dat shiznit with 8. Dude, yer wasted. Or not.
4. If that doesn’t work, light a match, blow it right out and sniff some phosphors ‘n’ shit.
5. If sniffing match heads does nothing except singe nosehairs, smoke some Boy Scout kirchcord. (remove the nylon core first, nimrod). Dude, that looks just like a “j.”
6. Never try to smoke dried up lettuce wrapped in wax paper. Don’t ask.
7. Go to an engineering school demonstration at some cow-tipped Big 10 school.Your folks will think it’s career exploration. Really, you’re just going up there to drink a couple beers with 8Barrel and smoke a few….

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…

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Tareytons. Don’t forget to steal some from your Uncle (and steal the Buds from pops before he switches to St. Ides or something. Man, that ½ a beer and the smokes still has you buzzed 3 hours later (or you’re a dork).

4. Next year, go to the same thing w/o the parents, but with 8 and Jimmy V. (of the infamous donuts in the median of I-69). First, take your life savings to the liquor store in the ghetto (Better hope that Sterno bum buys what you ask for, instead of a bottle of ripple.)

5. At career day in science class, impress the kids at your new school with how cool you are by describing your intended career as a FPERET (fermented plant experimental research engineering technician), like your uncle, “Al C. O’Holic.” (No, Kip will not be impressed, despite getting the oblique and subtle joke; apparently Becca’s sister Lindsay will take this as career advice).

6. Get loaded at Ms Camaro and Mona Lisa’s basement apartment. It’s a balmy summer night, so ease on over to your nearby frat house – you’re a wolf on the prowl. As you stumble back to the apartment for a fun night of “floor coma” don’t pay any attention to banger wannabes behind you (who are trying to tell you that your hat looks cool in a State Farm actuarial auditor kind of way (i.e., you are the dorkmaster 9000)). When you get to the stairs, three things happen: you wind up at the bottom of the stairs in a blink, there is a big ass rock right next to you, and for some reason your have no air in your lungs. Obviously, you had a run in with the Crip fashion police. It is completely impossible that you just tripped down the stairs in a stupor and landed on the rock. Use this real or presumed attack to garner sympathy from the girls and score easily. Or pass out. Your choice. Only one will work. The latter one.

7. Your Marquis is straight from Pimp My Ride.Don’t hate on those fools that park too close when you’re partying at Camaro and Mona’s. Instead, show some love. Bend their antenna like a coat hanger, so that they will not be stranded if they ever lock their keys in that POS that is 2 inches off your bumper.

8. Wait until your Dad goes through a midlife crisis where he marries some harpy named Jane.You will be a good son and show up to his wedding (unlike Milquetoast or Cracker). You and 8 will help him move. You and 8 and Phid will even visit in the dead of night. At no time will sobriety be appropriate (or possible).

9. Taco John’s Super Beef Burrito with greenie meanie sauce. Braumeister (or it’s evil skunky cousin) – 3.99 a case. Life is good.

10. Go to Liz Mango’s for a party. Her dad (VP of world domination or something at the International House of Rogaine) is there, and so is Mrs. Cleaver. Show ‘em how a beer bong works, right there in their kitchen. Parents love that

11. Reflexively give your real name when you pick up a street walker
    as a birthday present “for a friend” because you are too scared of this person to think straight. It SOUNDED like a good idea to do this at the time. Offering her rum-soaked grapes will not make her forget it. Maybe crack withdrawal syndrome will work to your advantage. Failing to bring exact change will not win any favors with this entrepreneur, either (bottles to return for a deposit and sofa change are not accepted forms of payment, and neither is American Express). Give it up, you can’t afford it, and the joke ain’t worth it. Drop her off three cities over, so you can GTF outta there before Huggy Bear starts looking for his commission on a $0 non-transaction. (Tell her you’re looking for an ATM)