*Not actually dead, just fucked.
You stupid, stupid man. The birthday went something like this:
*Not actually dead, just fucked.
About a month ago, we noticed some newspaper attention for a car show we go to every month. Concurrently, the “usual suspects” (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean) changed the name of this thing from “Cars and Coffee” to “Scottsdale Motorsports Gathering.” The new name seemed a bit pretentious; the media coverage portended more everything in the following months.
And it happened.
The Huffington Post reports the drunkard was attempting to leave the bar after an evening of heavy drinking when his friend, Java Bowling III (yes, really), attempted to take his keys to prevent him from driving home drunk. Good friend, right? Well, as things tend to happen when alcohol is involved, a scuffle broke out. Only instead of ending the night like most drunk friends do (you know, by attempting to walk through the White Castle drive-thru at 3:30 AM), Campbell shot Bowling in the chest.
A Scottsdale man pulled over for DUI told police he was just trying to get home from a party when he was pulled over on Scottsdale Road around 2:30 a.m. yesterday… Jackson was driving a forklift that he had just stolen from a construction site outside Scottsdale Fashion Square mall… Jackson did not have an explanation for why he was driving a forklift, but claimed he was just trying to get home.According to information provided by Scottsdale police, Jackson “appeared disoriented and seemed to be under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs.”
In other words, he was “fucked up and stupid.” Call us when you’re ready for the big leagues, kid. Here’s how the pros do it:
The U.S. Department of Transportation recently announced “a bold set of targeted interventions to put the country on a course to eliminate alcohol-impaired driving crashes.” Basically, this means persuading or coercing states, over time, to towards 0.0 as the allowable BAC to drive. The NTSB claims that:
Today, investigators cited research that showed that although impairment begins with the first drink, by 0.05 BAC, most drivers experience a decline in both cognitive and visual functions, which significantly increases the risk of a serious crash.
On Friday, I went to BevMo for some adult beverages for the holiday weekend. Three different breweries offered tastings, from run of the mill IPAs to exotic chocolate one-offs with 10% ABVs. I didn’t sample everything, but I knew I sampled some high test beers in that 20 minutes. Whoo!
Then it was time to check in with the home office. I have an Android phone, with speech to text, so I spoke my message. I have had the phone for a while, so it has adapted to my speech patterns pretty effectively. Mostly. Then this happened:
Your fone 50 working fine. I was offline fertile bad at bevmo, king all f***ed up
(Your phone is working fine. I was offline for a while then at bevmo, getting all f***ed up)
Maybe smartphones are the answer for self-screening. Maybe someone could develop an app that applied a coherence standard to its user’s speech, the way that word processor software can assess the reading level of written text. If you talk to the machine and the transcription exceeds a certain threshold of gibberish, the app would warn you that maybe it’s time for a taxi.
Yes, there are hurdles: background noise, uncalibrated users, overreaching software/EULAs that cause the phone to alert nearby cops to your failed self-test. And, of course, enterprising prosecutors will try to use your self-diagnosis against you in court. For law abiding citizens just trying to be safe, maybe this is not such a bright idea.
At 1:04 a.m. today, an officer on foot patrol near the Benson Earth Sciences building spotted a Subaru Outback driving on a sidewalk with two flat tires. The officer attempted to wave down the driver, identified by CU police as Jennifer Greer, 22, but Greer continued to drive east on Colorado Avenue toward 28th Street.
In this urban legend, a man drives home drunk. He is able to make his way into the house and immediately falls asleep. He wakes up to his wife’s screams. Apparently, she had gone out for a newspaper and found the body of a young girl embedded on the front grill of the man’s car. This urban legend is used as a cautionary tale at MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and SADD (Students against Drunk Driving) meetings.
but every time there is a beer or two on board, there’s always that moment of “Don’t let it end this way”
And, in the morning, that panicked check, just to be sure that there’s no gaps, just like going back and making sure that yeah, you DID lock that door.
KALAMAZOO — A 26-year-old Kalamazoo man was arrested Tuesday after drinking 20 beers, hitting 8 cars and and defecating on one of the vehicle inside the downtown parking ramp for the Radisson Plaza Hotel & Suites.… the man told officers he was feeling depressed, went to the top of the Radisson ramp at 100 N. Rose St. and drank 20 beers to “get enough courage to commit suicide,” Uridge said.The man, whose name has not been released, then proceeded to drove out of the ramp and struck eight vehicles, causing $75,000 worth of damage.The man then got on top of a car and defecated on it, Uridge said.Uridge said the man was arrested at about 3 p.m. on suspicion of drunken driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.17 or higher, which under state law is called “super drunk.”