Tag Archives: Driving While Stupid

Any particular reason you are driving 56 in a 55, boy?

Eat the Rich: We Called It

About a month ago, we noticed some newspaper attention for a car show we go to every month. Concurrently, the “usual suspects” (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean) changed the name of this thing from “Cars and Coffee” to “Scottsdale Motorsports Gathering.”  The new name seemed a bit pretentious; the media coverage portended more everything in the following months.

And it happened. Continue reading

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In case you're illiterate...

This was not on the DUI part of traffic school

Man shoots friend trying to prevent him from driving drunk – Autoblog.

The Huffington Post reports the drunkard was attempting to leave the bar after an evening of heavy drinking when his friend, Java Bowling III (yes, really), attempted to take his keys to prevent him from driving home drunk. Good friend, right? Well, as things tend to happen when alcohol is involved, a scuffle broke out. Only instead of ending the night like most drunk friends do (you know, by attempting to walk through the White Castle drive-thru at 3:30 AM), Campbell shot Bowling in the chest.

Continue reading

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IMAGE: Paolo Bassoli via Flickr

Derek Jackson Pulled Over for DUI — While Driving Forklift Down Scottsdale Road at 2 a.m.

A Scottsdale man pulled over for DUI told police he was just trying to get home from a party when he was pulled over on Scottsdale Road around 2:30 a.m. yesterday… Jackson was driving a forklift that he had just stolen from a construction site outside Scottsdale Fashion Square mall… Jackson did not have an explanation for why he was driving a forklift, but claimed he was just trying to get home. Continue reading

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Rampant Speculation: Should There Be an App for That?


If the walk to the car looks like this, get out of the middle of the road and call a cab.

The U.S. Department of Transportation recently announceda bold set of targeted interventions to put the country on a course to eliminate alcohol-impaired driving crashes.” Basically, this means persuading or coercing states, over time, to towards 0.0 as the allowable BAC to drive.  The NTSB claims that:

Today, investigators cited research that showed that although impairment begins with the first drink, by 0.05 BAC, most drivers experience a decline in both cognitive and visual functions, which significantly increases the risk of a serious crash.

On Friday, I went to BevMo for some adult beverages for the holiday weekend.  Three different breweries offered tastings, from run of the mill IPAs to exotic chocolate one-offs with 10% ABVs.  I didn’t sample everything, but I knew I sampled some high test beers in that 20 minutes.  Whoo!

Then it was time to check in with the home office.  I have an Android phone, with speech to text, so I spoke my message.  I have had the phone for a while, so it has adapted to my speech patterns pretty effectively.  Mostly. Then this happened:

Your fone 50 working fine.  I was offline fertile bad at bevmo, king all f***ed up

(Your phone is working fine.  I was offline for a while then at bevmo, getting all f***ed up)

Maybe smartphones are the answer for self-screening.  Maybe someone could develop an app that applied a coherence standard to its user’s speech, the way that word processor software can assess the reading level of written text.  If you talk to the machine and the transcription exceeds a certain threshold of gibberish, the app would warn you that maybe it’s time for a taxi.

Yes, there are hurdles:  background noise, uncalibrated users, overreaching software/EULAs that cause the phone to alert nearby cops to your failed self-test.  And, of course, enterprising prosecutors will try to use your self-diagnosis against you in court.  For law abiding citizens just trying to be safe, maybe this is not such a bright idea.

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cop speeding ticket

NOT ME: The one about college driving

A photo of the Subaru involved in a car chase early this morning. According to CUPD, 22-year-old Jennifer Greer was behind the wheel of the car and was arrested. (University of Colorado Police Department)

CU-Boulder police: Student led officers on drunken car chase, lost wheel on U.S. 36 – Boulder Daily Camera.

At 1:04 a.m. today, an officer on foot patrol near the Benson Earth Sciences building spotted a Subaru Outback driving on a sidewalk with two flat tires. The officer attempted to wave down the driver, identified by CU police as Jennifer Greer, 22, but Greer continued to drive east on Colorado Avenue toward 28th Street.

A second officer in a patrol car saw Greer’s car and put on his emergency lights. Greer began to speed up to 60 mph and continued eastbound onto U.S. 36, where her vehicle lost a wheel and struck the median and came to a stop near the Table Mesa exit, according to CU police.

Greer was placed under arrest on suspicion of DUI, vehicular eluding, attempt to elude a police officer, DUI, lane use violation, failure to yield right of way, leaving the scene of an accident, divided highway violation and having an open alcoholic beverage in her vehicle.

According to the CU Independent:

According to a University News Release, at about 1 a.m., a CUPD officer saw and attempted to flag down a Subaru Outback driving on the sidewalk with two flat tires that was going east towards 28th and Colorado. The tire tracks in the snowfall indicated that the suspect’s car had come from the “lawn area near the Math Building.” At this time a civilian told the officer that the suspect had hit the median on Arapahoe and Folsom and caused two flat tires.

What did we learn?

  • Driving on a sidewalk with two flat tires?  +10 for style
  • 1:04 a.m. Monday morning?  I always said the wee hours of Monday mornings were the best times to err but the sweet spot is 2:30-4 a.m. when the cops are processing their few Sunday night DUIs or are standing outside Dunkin/Krispy Kreme chanting “open, open, open”
  • (For no particular reason, 6 am on Sundays is second best.  Even for churchies, that’s way the fuck too early to be up)
  • A Subaru Outback in Boulder?  A good choice for daylight offenses (John Law: “which of these 412 2009 blue Subaru Outbacks at the REI store was the suspect in?”) At night though, a Subie is the worst.  Granola bars and hemp fumes cause you to fall asleep listening to NPR by 8 or so.  Toyota 4Runner is the late-nite inconspicuous offendermobile (if reprobates haven’t messed with your locking hubs)
  • She needed to say “I wasn’t eluding the officer on foot.  I just couldn’t stop until I found a well-lit place to check my oil. I heard Subarus explode without oil.”
  • Nice display of charge creep, CUPD.  DUI and suspicion thereof.  Eluding and attempt.  You’re still amateurs. Real cop overkill would be Extreme DUI, Aggravated DUI, DUI, impaired driving, per se DUI and attempted DUI (for the crash – attempted driving -yeah, we’re hilarious like that) and failure to wear Columbia/North Face/REI sportswear while committing an outdoor winter felony.

mr toads wild ride


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Not me

In this urban legend, a man drives home drunk. He is able to make his way into the house and immediately falls asleep. He wakes up to his wife’s screams. Apparently, she had gone out for a newspaper and found the body of a young girl embedded on the front grill of the man’s car. This urban legend is used as a cautionary tale at MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) and SADD (Students against Drunk Driving) meetings.

Body on the Car

but every time there is a beer or two on board, there’s always that moment of “Don’t let it end this way”
And, in the morning

And, in the morning, that panicked check, just to be sure that there’s no gaps, just like going back and making sure that yeah, you DID lock that door.

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fredo wang

Fredo Wang: Mercury, Metamucil and Meister Brau

Kalamazoo man defecates on car after downing 20 beers and crashing into several vehicles in downtown parking ramp | MLive.com.

KALAMAZOO — A 26-year-old Kalamazoo man was arrested Tuesday after drinking 20 beers, hitting 8 cars and and defecating on one of the vehicle inside the downtown parking ramp for the Radisson Plaza Hotel & Suites.

… the man told officers he was feeling depressed, went to the top of the Radisson ramp at 100 N. Rose St. and drank 20 beers to “get enough courage to commit suicide,” Uridge said.
The man, whose name has not been released, then proceeded to drove out of the ramp and struck eight vehicles, causing $75,000 worth of damage.
The man then got on top of a car and defecated on it, Uridge said.
Uridge said the man was arrested at about 3 p.m. on suspicion of drunken driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.17 or higher, which under state law is called “super drunk.”

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I need this for my DROID.


Smartphone Apps That Warn of DUI Checkpoints Strike Controversy – Understanding DUI / Research – The Phoenix DUI Law Blog.

If you’re using smartphone apps like Checkpointer, Buzzed, or Fuzz Alert Pro to find out where the local DUI checkpoints are in the Valley, then you may soon need to find a new way to get that information. According to CNN, four U.S. senators are now asking Apple, Google, and BlackBerry maker Research in Motion to stop selling apps that help drivers avoid DUI checkpoints. Research in Motion has already apparently agreed to stop selling such apps.

It’s a traffic and safety issue, and not some sort of prior intent.  Obviously.  One would think I knew better than to recreate the stupid of my past.

Karma:  Yes, one WOULD think that.

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12 Angry Men

Jury duty calls.  DUI, where the guy was not driving.  We call that “in actual physical control.”  However, in actual physical control means anything from getting a drunken blowjob sleeping in the car with keys in your pocket to sitting in your living room with a buzz after you drove a car (regardless of when the buzz occurred).

Judge:  Does anyone disagree with AZ DUI laws?
30+ sheep:  *No hands*
Me:  *Hand*

Judge:  Does anyone think actual physical control charges are complete and utter fucking bullshit?
30+ sheep:  *No hands*
Me:  *Hand*

Judge:  Have a Nice day, Mr. Duke

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