Messenger Puppet

A post about mutants triggers the Newsmax Is Sarah Palin a savant? push poll

Post: mutant. Banner: monster. Banner ad: Jesus some jokes DO write themselves

in unrelated stories, the secretary who does NOT work for me (she works for Manny) is showing about 90% more cleavage than usual and there is a an appointment downstairs who is “dumb, dizty,  and hot! A man’s dream come true!” according to Jack.  Sadly, she’s here to see Moe.  While Moe has dabbled, his 14 years with the same man pretty much means its wasted.

Then fucking Manny tells me that on the project that is mine to handle, I have to submit my changes and additions to him, so that the things I want to do fit with his plan on how he wants to handle this thing that he wants me to handle.

Also, no, I can’t use his secretary.

Camelback Ford says:

Camelback Ford Lincoln Mercury in Phoenix, AZ  treats the needs of each individual customer with paramount concern. We know that you have high expectations, and as a car dealer we enjoy the challenge of meeting and exceeding those standards each and every time. Allow us to demonstrate our commitment to excellence! Our experienced sales staff is eager to share its knowledge and enthusiasm with you.

Arizona Ford Dealers had a recent promotion for some swag if you came in for a test drive.  (No purchase necessary.)  Not being in the market for their products until the 2012 Ford Focus (or the Mustang GT 5.0) comes online, I just wanted the swag and not the pitch.

Me:  Hi, one of my Arizona Ford Dealers! I would like to take advantage of a promotion

Receptionist:  Let me get someone for you.

B.G., Sales Associate:  You need to take a test drive.

Me:  Let’s not waste each others’ time with that.  I’d like the offered swag, and to be on my way

BG:  OK, excuse me for just one minute

*goes out the front door, disappears*

Clock:  Watch me tick

Paint:  Look at me!! I’m drying! Woo-Hoo.

* * *

Receptionist:  Whoa, loiok at the time Let me get someone for you.

BG emerges from opposite end of the building

BG:  (internal monologue)  still here?  @#%^#$^%

Receptionist: Still waiting for the swag.

*pulls swag from desk drawer*

BG:  Go ahead and give it.

So BG, I appreciate your “paramount concern” in your efforts to dissuade me from the swag by excusing yourself and walking away.  The knowledge and enthusiasm really shone through.  Unless this stuff costs you or your dealership, WTF?  And if it does, who the hell cares – it’s no purchase necessary.

P.S.  Five Star Ford was a two minute in and out for a friend wanting the same swag.  It IS possible to bank some goodwill with those little things.  Just a suggestion.

Yup, it's me

Mr. Isuzu Amigo, the fine condition of your car reflects your destiny as a traffic fatality.  Just sayin’.

U2 is not afraid of the sky, but the Cardinals (hello? birds!!!) are. WTF?

Dear Michael Bidwill:

Grow a pair, would you?  U2 gets an open roof in October, but the Cardinals are too big of pussies to do the same?  Fuck you.  I paid extra for the hole – I expect to be able to use it.

FOAD

Me.

P.S.  Yes, “Fuck you.  I paid extra for the hole – I expect to be able to use it.” is the same rant I use on that Vegas hooker.  What’s your point?

Jury is out.  One thing that doesn’t suck  on Verizon Wireless (apart from paying for it)?  Rhapsody.

Almost unlimited music on my phone for $15/month.  Weirdest shit ever, and I don’t have to pay extra or pay for stuff that sucks.  The only other charge is burning it to CD, but the pretend my phone is an ipod part is free.

What does suck?  Metallica and the Chili Peppers only sell their music, regardless of usage.

8/07: 2 year renewal @120 a month.  175 per line to terminate (reduced by $5 a month). Straightforward enough.  My advantage to cancel the whole plan through about month 20.  Break even point (cancel/keep paying) on individual $10 added lines is about month 14.

8/08:

Dear customer.  We would like to give you 500 minutes in overdraft protection for the next year.  It’s because we like you.
xxoo
Verizon

Me:  Wow.  Customer loyalty has its perks, right?

5/09:

Me:  What is my cancellation cost if I want to bail?

Verizon:  $135 per line!

Me:  WTF?  Fuzzy math.  I call shenanigans.

Verizon:  No, dumbass.  We reset your cancellation fee when you took the 500 minutes.  Did you not read the fine print that was not actually there?

P.S.  We also  changed a material term of your plan so we could bill you for some of your free text messages. You accepted this by continuing to use your phones, since it was cheaper than canceling them.

P.P.S.  THANKS FOR NOT EVER USING THE SERVICE THAT IS NOW FUCKING YOU OVER.  XXOO

What they did is shift back (in time) the point when it was cheaper to bail than stay.  The part that galls me, apart from the non-existent or woefully inadequate consumer disclosures, is the cynical, punitive nature of it.  When number portability first came into play, the telecoms bitched and moaned, and this is their response

we will make it prohibitively expensive to port your number.  You can do whatever you want, but your choices are pay our blood money or go fuck yourself and your years as a customer with this number.  Start over bitch.

Of course if you would like to stay with us and our decent network, shitty plans and disabled phone features, we would love to keep cashing those checks.  Look! Shiny new phones!

Two words, Verizon: Iphone, bitches.

A few other words:  I will email my new number to those who deserve it.  Verizon wants to make it cheaper to finish than to leave, in hopes I stay?  I will go cheaper all right…

Arizona’s stolen vehicle rate is high, mainly because of its proximity to the border with Mexico

Arizona Finds Success with Automated License Plate Readers

I agree.  Arizona is pretty close to the border with Mexico

View Larger Map

Because a 4 year old corpse with a bullet hole has to be better than this guy

Dear doorknobs

In December, 2007, I came to you with a little steering wiggle.

Me:  I have had cars for 30 years – I know I need an alignment
PFNS:  No, you just need a $70 wheel balancing.  Alignments are for pussies.
GF:  You guys are dead now.
Me:  Well, you’re the experts.

May 2008 – time for an oil change, under the new 5000 mile interval specified by Ford.

PFNS: Let us give you a courtesy checkup
PFNS: Rear brakes are at 6 mm – condition yellow (fix soon, but not right now).  Tread depth yellow, tread wear (I don’t remember what they checked, or even if)
Me:  Well, you’re the experts.

January 5 2009- time for an oil change, under the new 5000 mile interval specified by Ford.

PFNS: You need the 30K service on this sheet
Me:  looks like an oil change and courtesy checkup.  Let’s call it that, since that is what it is, and save me $100.
PFNS 90 minutes later: 10 min. Oil change is done.  Rear brakes are still at 6 mm – condition yellow (fix soon, but not right now).  Tread depth yellow, tread wear yellow (i.e., something is wrong)
Me:  Well, you’re the experts. 
PFNS service advisor who has the report because he is handing it to the cashier in my presence:  You’re good to go.  Thanks!
Me:  Well, you’re the experts.

LATER…

Me:  Tread wear?  Yellow?  WTF?  90 minutes with my car and there is no explanation on the report, or from the service advisor?  WTF?

January 8, 2009

Me: Hi guys – Ford says “treadwear” is yellowy.  Please tell me why.
Discount Tire:  Dude, you needed an alignment about 10K miles ago.  Your tires are shit due to excessive toe-out.  A cursory inspection by a trained Ford service department could have picked this out long ago.
Me:  D-ooh
Mastercard:  Mmmm… impending interest charges.

So that’s the story, PFNS.  You told me I was wrong, when I was right.  You were indifferent this last time about my service, because I would not buy into your dealer-designated profit service, that differs from the Ford recommended service.  You were indifferent about my 20 mile drive to your store.  You were indifferent about the hour and a half for an oil change.  You were indifferent about the areas of concern noted on your own report, so indifferent, you could not be bothered to explain.  And, your superior knowledge has cost me a new set of tires.  Thanks.

Here is a hint – not all customers are idiots when it comes to car repair.  Here is another – when the tech sees iffy treadwear, look further. Treadwear problems do not cure themselves.  They are symptoms of mechanical issues to fix. If i knew I was going to be stuck there all morning, I would have let you do the alignment I asked for a year ago.  More money for you, my car is fixed, and I remain a customer.  Instead, I had to buy new tires, and I am giving my alignment business to someone who wants my business and understands the simple concept that while you guys might service 100 Mustangs that all look the same, this is the only one that matters to me, and it’s my money.  If you want my money, you need to pretend to understand that.

xxoo

P.S.  All those expensive plate frames you sell are illegal, and will subject your customers to $135 tickets.  Darwin is laughing, but your dwindling customer base won’t be.

P.P.S.  Since I needed tires, and you sell tires, you missed that $, too.

Discount Cab 735, 9 a.m.  Thomas and 16th St.:  Hmmm… I am a male in desperate need of enhancement, but this cell phone call to 1-900-be-an-ass has left me feeling empowered despite my other shortcomings.

Traffic:  Hey look!  We’re all backed up.

Discount Cab 735:  This looks like a job for someone whose brain requires enhancement too.  That’s me!!

*cuts off harmless commuter in red Mustang in the inside lane*

Person on the other end of the phone call:  Whatever, dude.  $3.99 per minute.

Mustang:  *death glare.  Searches for F3 button to invoke gargoyle and blood runes.*

Discount Cab 735:  Oh this is boring.  I’ll just meander back into my original lane.

Mustang:  *sees cop blocking inside lane*

Mustang:  *sees break in front of Discount Cab 735*  he’s a professional.  He will let me in since he’s seen the cop.  He’s STILL yakking on his cell phone, so he cannot be in a big hurry.

Discount Cab 735:  That’s what you think.  CVS says my Viagra Rx is ready, and the 4-H is in town.  Barnyard animals are notoriously impatient.

*cuts off Mustang changing lanes to avoid cop, in order to putter down Thomas at 24 mph.*

Mustang:  *searches for RPG in glove box.  Item not found*