Messenger Puppet

My man card is hereby surrendered

Nothing else to say, really.

A post about mutants triggers the Newsmax Is Sarah Palin a savant? push poll

Post: mutant. Banner: monster. Banner ad: Jesus some jokes DO write themselves

in unrelated stories, the secretary who does NOT work for me (she works for Manny) is showing about 90% more cleavage than usual and there is a an appointment downstairs who is “dumb, dizty,  and hot! A man’s dream come true!” according to Jack.  Sadly, she’s here to see Moe.  While Moe has dabbled, his 14 years with the same man pretty much means its wasted.

Then fucking Manny tells me that on the project that is mine to handle, I have to submit my changes and additions to him, so that the things I want to do fit with his plan on how he wants to handle this thing that he wants me to handle.

Also, no, I can’t use his secretary.

Scrub your nuts with our Beaver

Beaver Nut Scrub

Wet hands first

One push only

Try it!

HT: 8 Barrel

Dear Dr. Gonzo:

This letter is in response to your recent personalized plate request.  The combination of letters [foufcfk]that you requested could be perceived as having a connotation that may be offensive or misleading to the public.  As a result, your plate has been held and will be forwarded to the MVD Personalized Plate Review Committee.   The [PPRC] meets on the third Thursday of every month, after which you will be notified of the committee’s findings… We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

xxoo

Your tax dollars at work

Dear MVD

You’re wrong about foufcfk.  Not only “could [it] be perceived as having a connotation that may be offensive or misleading to the public,”  it has a direct meaning that should be offensive, at least to Redflex.  So FOUFCFK, eh?

Dr. G

diddle dee doo

There they are all standing in a row

Black ones, red ones, one with a $5,000 crack in its dash requiring a windshield removal to repair…

True story:  I’m at the dashboard place getting a thing for my other thing.  This guy with a British accent speeds up in a Series III XJ.  He’s there to pick up a black dash cover for a Ferrari TR.  Why?  Because (the story goes) it has a crack in the dash at the base of the windshield.  The cover will make it pretty, and the new owner can give Ferrari the 5 large it will take to pull the windshield and fix it.

Or not, one supposes.

Oh, THAT?! Don Johnson saw it and knifed it during a coke binge after Miami Vice was cancelled, is what I’m told. I would repair it, but it really adds to the story of the car, don’t you think?

Caveat emptor, you rich Ferrari buying bastards.

Ah Mother's Day...

Note to “What’s in a name?” – it’s from an email, and obviously the Internet before that.  Also, I cropped it.  FOAD.

Motorcraft battery:  It’s Arizona, it’s been two years.  I am dead.

Me:  Thanks for the warning.  What to do, what to do?

Ford three year bumper to bumper warranty: Well, FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE we’d like you to call roadside assistance, who will dispatch a tow truck (hopefully not these guys) to bring your prized car to your Ford dealer, who will dx the problem and give you a Ford OEM solution.  Plus, rental car while your car is out of service.

Me:  oh that is just stupid.  It’s a battery.  $89 at Autozone and it’s fixed in my own driveway in 20 minutes.

Autozone:  Actually, it’s $102.

So, being filled with generosity towards Ford and a desire not to waste my time or their money on something I have seen every two years like clockwork on every car that has endured a Phoenix summer, I did self help.  As I successfully did with two Chryslers, I just mailed the receipt with a hey, here is the deal, I fixed it, pay me back letter. 

Ford responded:

Nice try, asshead.  Your warranty covers Ford dealer repairs, unless there is an emergency [defined in the warranty book as "would take more than 30 days"].  You should have called us.  How do we know you replaced it with OEM spec parts.  Check your manual.

I did check my manual, and it said, emergency warranty repairs get paid by dealers.  So, I went there (40 mi. round trip) and explained the whole WTF nature of this runaround.  They noted that my battery purchase was at 5:54 in the evening, but their parts dept was still open (for 6 more minutes).

Me:  You could not get a tow truck to me in 6 minutes.

Ford dealer:  You’re right.

Me:  Tow plus parts plus labor =$250.  Dr. G’s driveway repair = $102.  Math is easy.

Ford dealer:  You’re right.

Me (in my head):  Dude, I so want one of those new Fiestas. PLEASE don’t make me swear off Fords just as you are about to reenter the small car market with something decent.

Ford dealer (over dealership intercom):  Dude, you do know you have no inner monologue, right?

They submitted a new reimbursement request on Monday.  I got a check from them yesterday.  Logic > contract terms.

Coming Soon (behind this fence):  Walgreens

Across the street right this very minute:  Walgreens.

Walgreens – where “one on ‘every corner’” is not just a metaphor, it’s our exact business plan.

In our last episode, Budget Rent A Car inside Fry’s did not have anyone at their service counter, because some guy was washing the salesman and hooker smell from a Dodge Penis Compensator Charger.  How “convenient.”

Today, still washing, but there is a second guy their to actually service the customers.  (No sign stating “I am right here, for your ‘convenience,’” which would have been pretty funny.)  But back to the other guy.  He has a Dodge shitbox Neon Caliber that needs a vacuum and the bird shit licked off its hood.  I go in, the hood is getting its tongue bath; I come out and the mondo suck 9000 is removing all the crusty fries from between the seats.

So how does this translate to hating America?  Simple…

Continue reading

Dear world:

We’re not here to help you right now, “for your convenience.”

xxoo

Budget Rent a Car