My ex-neighbor Howard

If this were 1970 or so, and the dude was 20 years younger and not a meth head…

Police chase man suspected of defecating in yard

by Lisa Halverstadt – Jun. 30, 2008 03:59 PM
The Arizona Republic

A Phoenix man was arrested Friday night after defecating and urinating on the side of a Tempe home and then running from police, police said. At about 8 p.m. Friday, a resident reported seeing a man defecating and urinating on his East Concorda home, police said. When police stopped Ruben B. Mendibles, 26,they found that he had six previous warrants from area agencies and attempted to arrest him. Following a brief chase, officers realized that Mendibles had left his vehicle running near the house with the driver’s side door open, according to police reports. Officers later found a pipe in Mendible’s pocket, methamphetamine and marijuana in his vehicle, and two false license plates on his vehicle. Mendibles told police the plates belonged to another car, according to reports. Mendibles was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespassing, displaying fictitious plates, possession of dangerous drugs, possession of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia.

I shit you not.

Satan is alive

Satan is alive and living on Craiglist. Want proof? This:

Don’t read it.Dad/Daughter Role Play – m4w (East Valley)Don’t read it.

is some fuckhead’s idea of “porn” and a role playing hook up. It is not porn, it is Lucifer’s own colon, after a night of beans, onions, habaneros and battery acid. It’s toxic. Don’t read it. I got two paragraphs in and could not, would not finish. The rage. The utter repulsion. I had to stop before I screamed. Or barfed. Continue reading “Satan is alive”

Craigslist – a place for weirdos

I was browsing the Craigslist the other day and found this headline

any young women interested in a daddy/daughter relationship? – m4w – 43

Oh shit, I wandered into the personals.  But WTF?  Daddy/daughter?  I just had daddy daughter time at Trader Joes, and it was limited to buying yogurt and telling fart jokes.

But there was more… Continue reading “Craigslist – a place for weirdos”

Pussy Galore

So, it’s a weekend like any other. It’s raining* and I need to pack my 200 lb. TV and other shit into a pickup bed that’s 3 sizes too small. Yes, it’s GTFOOH day. Yay. Naturally, this means that my neighbor needs to see me – probably to nickel and dime me on the stuff I am selling him.

Come over man, I need to talk to you about something.
Come on in the house man.
Here you go man, go take care of business…

This is what he meant…

Jill Masterson was NOT waiting for me

Yes, that’s right. My going away present was a hooker, all blond and naked and crouching tiger** on the bed – the key differences from the picture above being the lack of gold paint and the presence of aliveness.  Also the raging crack habit and the (presumed) herpes.

Me (to the professional): Oh, hiiii. How are you? *waves stupidly*
Neighbor: Go on and get your freak on, big guy.
Me (mulls it over for about < a second)
Me (inner monologue): Tonight’s top 10 reasons why this is a bad idea…

10. No body condom
9. No HMO coverage for penicillin –
Fuck 10 reasons. Fuck this whole bullshit hypothetical. No. Just… no.

hooker hell
reality was more naked. Dead painted girl was more preferable.

Me: Uh, thanks man, but I have to take a pass.

Neighbor: You sure, man? You don’t want a little head or something?
: You go take that bullet for me. [I actually said exactly that.]

So yes, it’s true. I actually turned down a piece of ass.

Also turned down? A variety of prescriptions and topical creams to cure previously unheard of STDs, plus extortion by my neighbor and/or a career as a YouTube porn star.

*Yes, rain.  In Phoenix.  For the first time in 5 fucking months.


Hi, God. Is this rain supposed to be a big “Fuck You” to me? Or is it some sort of Oprah moment with cleansing breaths and fresh starts and bullshit like that? Because cash or a party at Hooters would work just as well.



**I cannot say anything about any hidden dragons, because I wasn’t willing to get that close to that crouching tiger. At this point nothing would surprise me. I only saw her from the side and she did have the blanket bunched up in front a bit.