Dude, the least you could do is get some cameras and naked chicks and make a car wash porno.
Pretend it’s 1984. The DOT has just legalized flush headlights(on the Lincoln Continental Mark VII). You cannot wait for it to trickle down to mere Jaguars, so you spend $3,000 getting European style converted headlights. Then you take your saucy little tart for a little freshening.
Not the car spa for a happy finish. No, you go to the insane-o-tron Sparkle Buggy Wash. WTF, dude? Is a $3.50 beating with brushes by high school dropouts (mostly) really worth it? I’m just askin’.
God, I loved these cars. Everything that was so right, and so wrong about American cars and GM, all bottled up into one effete and ponderous whale for everyman.
- The Seville (v. 1.0 and 3.0) “notchback” roofline
- The half Cutlass Supreme/ half tailfin taillights
- Bumpers that announce that your penis is made of steel.
- The plump assed French hooker rear end of the car, from delicate wire wheel covers (sometimes actual wire wheels) and the real men wear fender skirts to the subtle wedginess.
Jewel-Osco : home of “drug food.” And recurring gay themes.
- It’s Monday. Unload the truck then head to upper crust for pizza and beer. Skip the pizza. Find yourself married to some chick who tried to fix you up with a guy at the bar the first time you meet her outside of work.
- Osco says yes to ties, no to male earrings. WEEKLY WORLD NEWS headline shortly after you start at the store? “Wearing ties makes men stupid.”
- Supervisor Debbie is tall and thin and, depending on how she wears her hair and makeup, kind of attractive. She never seems to have a boyfriend. She does have a party. Some younger chick gets all drunk and emotional. Debbie is the first to console her. In the bedroom. No, you cannot come in. Go walk in the snow or something.
- The passage of time may have made you forget her name, but there is a fat chick who works there. It may have been “Renee.” “Beulah” somehow fits better. Even though this is now the 21st century, gender neutrality, body dysmorphic disorder etc., etc., etc., to excuse the condition, this bitch does not deserve it. Including her in a discussion of humans is probably a stretch, she is just that unpleasant. Her husband has withered away to a wisp from the harpy-like shrieks. Until he summons the balls to divorce her. Very likely, he borrowed those summoned balls from the man he left her for. Coincidence or causation?
- Your ex has a friend there. She seems nice enough, except you would have to become a chubby chaser. Also, she is married. And somewhat manipulative, which seems unimportant when you’re not getting any and she is offering it. Manipulation is no impediment to your manager Greg. He may think you are talking about his stiffy have a different understanding about what she is adept at manipulating. However, after the mindfucking he gets from her, he suggests that “converting to gayness” would have been preferable. DNA arguments and other biological realities aside, he is probably right.
- Flamers. There are two Kevins and two Brians. One of the Kevins came from the Sparkle buggy wash. The other has a man crush on Jason Newsted of Metallica. Kevin will turn 21. Thankfully only once. Meet him at a restaurant with the entire Osco crew. He will show up with Brian (the other one). Someone thinks it is a good idea to buy flaming shots of 151 rum for these two, who are already fucked up out of their gourds. It’s not. Later, when sifting through the ashes of the restaurant for your car keys…
Another day, another dude freaking out in the tunnel of love scratched paint and clean whitewalls. Supposedly, it’s over glasses. In my experience, dark, noise, meth withdrawal, DTs or the cocaine OD death of Kevin DuBrow are all just as likely.
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