Tag Archive for Sparkle Buggy Wash

Sparkle Buggy Wash Classics

Hookers and blow doesn’t mean you’re not a moron

Pretend it’s 1984. The DOT has just legalized flush headlights(on the Lincoln Continental Mark VII). You cannot wait for it to trickle down to mere Jaguars, so you spend $3,000 getting European style converted headlights. Then you take your saucy little tart for a little freshening.

Where?

Not the car spa for a happy finish. No, you go to the insane-o-tron Sparkle Buggy Wash. WTF, dude? Is a $3.50 beating with brushes by high school dropouts (mostly) really worth it? I’m just askin’.

Sparkle Buggy Wash Classics, Take 2

1983 Oldsmobile 98 Regency

Go for Baroque

God, I loved these cars.  Everything that was so right, and so wrong about American cars and GM, all bottled up into one effete and ponderous whale for everyman.

  • The Seville (v. 1.0 and 3.0) “notchback” roofline
  • The half Cutlass Supreme/ half tailfin taillights
  • Bumpers that announce that your penis is made of steel.
  • The plump assed French hooker rear end of the car, from delicate wire wheel covers (sometimes actual wire wheels) and the real men wear fender skirts to the subtle wedginess.