Tag Archives: Star Wars

gandalf

There and Back Again

The vexing thing about OCD levels of continuity between trilogies is the same vexing thing about writing about the OCD levels of continuity between trilogies.  We last left The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey with a couple of wizards a fairy prince Elven King and his domanatrix superior in the elf world sitting around the table getting stoned and making up celebrity predictions controlling middle earth like a 4-headed Sauron (sans jewelry).

What we left out:

  • the sword found by the brown wizard was not just a morgul blade (like the one that pokes Frodo in about 60 years), these guys can tell instantly that it belongs to the “Witch King of Angmar.”  It must, because that guy is in the earlier later movies.
  • Gandalf: “Hello Elrond.  Except i must call you “mellon,” the elven word for friend because that was in FOTR at the door to Moria.”
  • Oh Moria.  Yes, we have to give a back story on why the FOTR found all the dead elves and a bunch of Orc squatters.  Because irrelevant filler.
  • Maybe what happened is that Peter Jackson was on a leash for LOTR.  A long one to be sure, but at some point they said “Enough!” to all the gratuitous details.  Now that LOTR is a $3 billion franchise (plus merchandise and theme parks and arena football teams), the studio has probably decided that maybe the kid is on to something and they should just let him do his thing his way.

Some other thoughts:

  • Ambivalence about the title.  Less fucked up and stupid about naming than calling movies 1-6 “Episodes” IV, V, VI, I, II, III.

Star Wars 2 II was stupid.

Nuh-uh. Star Wars 2 was the best in the series because Lucas did not write or direct.

Wait.  Which one are we talking about?

  • More ambivalence. LOTR: FOTR, TTT, ROTK, TH:AUJ, TDOS, xxxx.  This naming convention works for Star Trek (TOS, TNG, DS9) but it’s still ham handed.
  • In both cases, I am grateful that they figured it out at the beginning.  That way we don’t have to suffer Lucas-sized revisions that include the title (Raiders of the Lost Ark being later retitled Indiana Jones and the________; Star Wars being retitled Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope).  Goddamn heretic George Lucas.
  • In that vein, at least if we MUST tie Hobbit and LOTR together at every opportunity, it’s done.  We won’t have to suffer movies that change entire scenes (HAN SHOT FIRST) in later versions while they’re cleaning up some plot details.
  • And finally, there won’t be gratuitous re-releases where they reinsert deleted scenes (Jabba personally telling Solo on-screen what Greedo already told him in the bar) because there literally will be zero deleted scenes.  There is the theater version and the there will be that and the extended version on DVD (why else were there 37 different spots to end ROTK (the 45 minutes after “You bow to no one”)?  Because Peter Jackson saves everything.

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Raoul

Worse than Underpants Gnomes

The Empire of Zombieland Strikes Back, as envisioned and performed by monsters

Two little monsters

A fat guy…. (Zombieland Rule # 1 Cardio.)

... in a tree

… in a tree

Not for long, Tarzan

Tastes like rubber chicken

nom nom nom

Unfortunately, it’s the last 5 minutes of Star Trek, plot wise, so…

Die, bitches

That will teach you to laugh at my saber…

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Darth Vader to Galaxy: Don’t F*** With Me, I Know Karate

I am your father I loved the Star Wars. I could ignore the conceit of the”Episode IV” header. It was a movie that didn’t need a sequel. The sequels didn’t enhance the story; they simply continued and rehashed it.The prequels were even less necessary. Darth Vader’s back story, if worth telling, could have been done in one movie. And, they could have taken us up to the point of the start of the first one. But noooooo. We had to have three movies worth of Anakin, and three minutes of the big black menace who does nothing but stumble around in his best Steve Austin in physical therapy imitation.

Enter Dark Lord: the Rise of Darth Vader.

This book turns Vader from force cripple into a bad ass. It does fill a gaping hole, and Vader does kill a bunch of people in PG rated style. Yawn. The best part for me was his inner monologue, and that of the Emperor, along with hearing Vader speak the works in his head, That and a cameo by Tarkin was worth it., The rest of it? Contrived fan fic bullshit. Don’t get me started on fan fiction. for now, just understand that I root for Vader. The more mayhem at his hand the better.

This does get me to some serious foundational issues i have with Star Wars. No one can kick Darth Vader’s ass. The emperor is all powerful. To what end? Why should we care? Neither of them is chasing money or pussy or a decent tuna melt with New York Cheddar dusted kettle chips and an ice cold Coors Light, so what is the fucking point of their existence, other than to be mean so Luke has a goal? Control? Order? The George W. Bush fascist wet dream? Yep.  Whoopee! But what then? Like I said, they do not need anything. They do not want or cannot enjoy anything. They’re cartoons, like the mad scientist villain in Underdog cartoons.

I want Vic Mackey as Darth, doing dastardly things, and always at risk. Real conflict. Real struggle. Real risk. Real three dimensional characters. Not an evil superman.

So, yes, read it. It fills a hole in the story. It just doesn’t fix designed in flaws in the concept.

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